S1C7. A Note to the Family: Supporting a Loved One with Incest OCD

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Mental disorders often have a terrible effect on families. Having OCD is not easy, but being a family member to someone with OCD is difficult too, especially when you are neither able to understand what the sufferer feels or how to help. You could end up enabling the OCD rather than providing the right support. If you are frustrated, no one can blame you, but it may worsen their condition. But the fact that you continue to want to help the sufferer through this struggle is commendable. So, here are some things that you should know.

Education in OCD is a must: OCD is a poorly understood disorder and to help the sufferer, you need to educate yourself on how OCD works. Educate yourself on what you can do, what you can’t, what you can say, what you can’t, and what you should believe and what you shouldn’t. The more information you have, the better prepared you are to handle the disorder.

It is not the sufferer’s fault: It is not their fault that they have OCD. The sufferer does not want the thoughts. They are terrified of the thoughts and you should not make it worse by thinking of them as a pervert. The sufferer has probably thought a thousand times before opening up to you and hence, do not let their faith be in vain. Do be non-judgmental and supportive. 

The sufferer is not in control: Or let me say it differently. The sufferer is not in control right now. Whatever is happening to them is because their Incest OCD is in control. They do not want to feel the way they do. They do not want to behave the way they do. Their Incest OCD forces them to. You may notice that the sufferer is not really happy. If they really liked behaving the way they do, wouldn’t they be happy? They aren’t because they are unable to stop. At the same time, not being in control does not mean they will give in to their urges. They will not. They will not lose control and do something perverse. In fact, they will be more careful than the average person to make sure they do not let their obsessive thoughts come true.

It is not your responsibility to fix the sufferer: In your concern for the sufferer, when the sufferer comes and offloads their anxious thoughts onto you, you may end up using words like ‘Don’t worry, we will fix this.’ This is neither true nor correct. It is not true because you are offering the sufferer a false reassurance that you know how to fix it. Offering reassurance is also a compulsion for the sufferer, which is more damaging than helpful.

And, it is not correct because the sufferer may begin to believe that it is indeed your responsibility to fix them. They may depend upon you unreasonably to get them out of it and they may blame you, or at least be resentful of your inability, if you are unable to do so. Also, if you are not able to help them through it, you may blame yourself and go down a rabbit hole of guilt that could have been avoided. You may begin to feel inadequate for not being able to help the sufferer. These are traps that you should watch out for and avoid. 

The sufferer is harmless: Believe it or not, whatever happens in Incest OCD does not indicate that the sufferer is evil or perverse even though it may seem like that sometimes. It is quite the reverse. OCD affects a person because they have strong beliefs about a particular aspect, and OCD tries to negate those beliefs.

So, when the sufferer confesses to you about getting sexual urges towards their family members, it is in fact, Incest OCD’s way of trying to negate their goodness. Incest OCD seems to say to them, ‘Do you really think you are a good offspring/sibling/parent? Why do you get sexual thoughts towards your parent/sibling/child then?’ The sufferer loses the ability to distinguish between a real thought and an obsessive thought. The thought causes anxiety and they may want to confess to you to get some relief that they are not a pervert. And they are not. They are a good person whose Incest OCD is playing tricks on them.

Make time for yourself: In addition to being available for the sufferer, make sure you make time for yourself as well. Seeing the sufferer suffer may make you feel guilty about having a good time yourself. This is particularly true of parents who do not want to see their child suffer alone. But remember, you need to recharge yourself for two people. So, be kinder to yourself than you would usually be. Go for a drink with friends. Go watch a movie. Go spend time with your parents. Go spend time on your hobby. Guilt-free. Your suffering will not help the sufferer. Your suffering may, however, cause you more harm.

Have patience, have faith: OCD is frustrating. But you need the most patience when the sufferer is triggered and unmanageable. If they could help it, they would not do what do.

Avoid saying the wrong things: It might seem difficult to control your temper or frustration with the sufferer sometimes and you might end up saying something you may regret later, and which may make the sufferer’s Incest OCD worse. So, you should definitely stay away from statements like:

  • If it feels wrong to you, then maybe we should consider your morals or ethics.
  • I am beginning to lose faith in your desire to get better.
  • Stop being so negative all the time.
  • How can you think that about your own parent/sibling/child?
  • How come I don’t have similar thoughts about my parent/sibling/child?
  • Maybe you should ask your friends if they feel the same way as you do.
  • How about using Google to see if you are right or wrong?
  • You are such a pervert for having thoughts like this.
  • Other people have it worse. What are you complaining about?
  • Your thoughts are irrelevant.
  • Don’t worry, everything will be alright.

Keep these points in mind to help your loved one. It is easy to lose sight of these points and end up ruining a loving relationship that could otherwise have been salvaged with the right help. Make sure that this does not happen to you and the sufferer. Be better prepared.

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